Miami Dolphins February Scouting Report
Jimmy The Finger
The Dolphins have a new Head Coach. Again. Welcome to Miami. What’s he facing? Reminds me of this cartoon I saw (think it was Gahan Wilson) – a New York City street sweeper showing up for work in the 1930s with his little cart and push broom, finding the carcass of King Kong at the bottom of the Empire State.
King Kong, of course, is team owner Stephen Ross. So far this guy’s been as good at his job as the Captain of the Exxon Valdez. Really assembled a crack team of executives. Vin Scully always quoted Branch Rickey, the personnel man who put the Dodgers together: "Luck is the residue of design." Conversely, what does that make bad luck the residue of?
That brings us to Chris Grier, who has risen through the organization from Head of College Scouting to General Manager, has now been anointed the new team mucky-muck. As head of College Scouting, Grier is probably the person most responsible for the condition of the Fins right now. He’s the guy who told everybody ORT Juwa’an James was a first rounder. (The "RT" incidentally, stands for Revolving Turnstile.) Grier’s reports also made it seem like WR DeVante Parker was worth the 9th Overall, that DE Charles Harris was worth the 14th. He probably also had a hand in picking QB Ryan Turnover 7th Overall, but that was more Jeff Ireland’s deal.
As the most recent Grand Poobah, hiring Brian Flores is probably Grier’s first Big Decision. We’ll see how it works out. Flores was DC for the (Cow) Patties last Season, his first as a coordinator. Everybody makes it seem like Bill Belly-ache’s the big defensive genius there, but supposedly Flores called the plays. All in all, it’s worth a shot. When you look at all the Head Coaching candidates who were flying around, doing interviews, nobody really blew my dress up. Flores is an unknown, which may not be so bad, when you take the other candidates into consideration. Great as Bill Belly-ache is, however, he hasn’t spawned a very big coaching tree. Still, let’s face it – the bar in Miami’s pretty low. Won’t take much to look better than Adam Waste, Clueless Joe Philbin or Tony (3 Is Greater Than 7) Sparano. May he rest in peace. Seemed like a nice man. Just wasn’t too good at arithmetic.
The only hope the Dolphins have is kind of a reverse Peter Principle, like maybe promoting Chris Grier to Captain of the Titanic will put him in a position he might finally find himself in a job at which he might be somewhat competent. One move he did make was hiring Reggie McKenzie. Can only help Chris Grier is now removed out of the talent evaluation process.
QB Ryan Turnover’s finally through in Miami. Of course, that doesn’t mean he won’t be starting. It’s never stopped him before. But the guy seriously choked last year, played like a scared little girl. Now everybody’s talking about how much the Fins need a Quarterback. Welcome to the party, pal. I’ve been saying for the last year or so Tannehill would never be elite, but the Fins had bigger fish to fry. Sad thing is – I was right. Ahead of quarterback I ranked Head Coach, Defensive Coordinator, Team President, General Manager and Team Owner. We ticked off most those items, though Stephen Ross still owns the franchise, and we’re only getting a new General Manager because we promoted the old one to Team President.
What’s even sadder – it’s not going to be that difficult for these guys to look better than their predecessors. The real question is whether or not that’s still going to make them good. The Miami Dolphins have mastered mediocrity.
While I’ve got you here, let me also be the first NFL Pundit to go on record hoping the Miami Dolphins aren’t dumb enough to Draft 5’9" Kyler Murray as their Quarterback of The Future. You don’t have to be psychic to foresee the future of whoever drafts this guy. The General Manager of that team has the life expectancy of a Second Lieutenant. Unfortunately, you ask just how dumb the Dolphins could possibly be, Fins Fans start getting a bad, bad feeling.How dumb can the guy be anyway? Picking the NFL over baseball is brain damage. And I’m not speaking metaphorically. We’re talking actual, literal brain damage. If not now, then certainly in the future.
SoI think I speak for many Fins Fans, when I say: "Oh, yeah. We’re enthused." Way it’s looking, Derek Jeter may not be the dumbest mofo in town after all.
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Initial 2019 Off-Season Eye in the Sky Reports
Monday, February 11th, 2019
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